cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
