I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
