I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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