I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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