he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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