Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
