Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
