Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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