I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
This is the high leading the old right now
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
