I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize