When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
