i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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