i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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