I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
