Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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