I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
