She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
