Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
why do cheetos always look like penises
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
