I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
