yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
