Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
