Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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