I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
