Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
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