last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
