I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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