we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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