He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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