"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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