My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
