Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
