My cat gives me a boner
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
