I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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