Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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