I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
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