The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
