Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
