Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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