I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
