why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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