I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
