Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
