my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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