Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize