Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
