i think my tv is drunk
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
