Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
