he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
