I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
