I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
