i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
