Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
