Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
