perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize