I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize