Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
