$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
