fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
