I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize