all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
