First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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