Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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