Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
