Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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