Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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