I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
