I wish I could teleport
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
